We Have Now
by FenZev
Summary: As Shepard prepares for the suicide mission through the Omega 4 relay, an unexpected visitor reminds her that there are some things worth living for. A short two chapter story containing spoilers for ME1 and ME2.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard sat in her quarters, her damp hair twisted in a soppy mess across her shoulder. The shower wasn't long enough, hot enough, or relaxing enough to be her last, but she had little choice. The Normandy was headed for the Omega 4 relay, she and her crew preparing for their final mission.

The suicide mission.

That's what everyone was calling it. Although suicides were usually by choice, and there wasn't much of a choice for her in this, for any of them. Of course it was all volunteer assignments, but still, they'd prefer to come back alive if at all possible. Unfortunately, the chances of that happening were slim to none.

A drop of water from her hair fell onto the glass covering the framed picture she held. _Oh Kaidan_, she thought, wiping away the moisture with the sleeve of her robe. It had been some time since Horizon, since Kaidan accused her of changing and turning her back on the Alliance. She had only received his letter a few weeks ago, a small apology for the what he had said but still doubt behind his words. She had considered responding, saying something, but what could you say to the man who had grieved for you for two years, only for you to waltz back into his life, only to probably die again?

Taking his picture with her as she returned to her desk, Shepard placed it next to her vid display. Accessing her personal log on her terminal, she began what she had labeled her final entry. For the last day, she had made several attempts to record it, but never got further than the title. Time was running out, as usual, and it was now or never.

_I knew it would always come down to this moment, though I don't think I could ever be fully prepared. Only a few hours remain until the IFF is ready, until the mysteries of the Omega 4 relay reveal themselves. Hours instead of months, what's left of my crew instead of just me, ready to take that final voyage to stop the Collectors. We all know this will be a one-way trip, no matter how many speeches and false promises I make. They know as well as I do that these are our final hours of being alive, of trying to reconcile within ourselves all the guilt we've carried in this life. This is the time to tell all those we love that we do, complete last messages to be sent to those we could not reach, a time to reflect on how far we've come, and how precious few breaths remain._

_I am comfortable in knowing that I have done all I could with this life, all that was possible to do. Survived growing up, created an exemplary record within the Alliance, and I became the first human Spectre, if you don't count Anderson. Hell, I've already died. This second time around should be no different, right? I remember very little of the two years I lost, the two years I spent being referred to as nothing but a Cerberus project. And I hate them for their reputation, for their questionable means to an end, but one thing I am thankful for, is that this time around, they have given me a chance to say goodbye to my friends._

_I have said my peace to those that aren't coming with me, on this one way ticket to hell. Anderson, Wrex, Liara… we reunited just to say farewell again. I figure it's better this way, they all have an important part to play in the future, and it would do no good to have them join me on this final mission. They need to stay and keep up the fight, for a better way, a brighter day. Though I wish they could be beside me one last time, I know in my heart their choices to stay away are the right ones. _

_The new crew I have acquired are great, I love them all in different and special ways. But I have little doubt that I would have been able to pull this off without Garrus and Tali, Joker and Chakwas. They have seen me at my worst, supported me through my falls, and have given me reasons to live again when it was so easy to give up. Their strength has carried me through it all when I thought I had none. In many ways, they saved my life several times over, and I can only hope to repay them in the coming hours. Losing Chakwas like we did… No, she isn't lost. I am determined to find her and save her, will not accept anything less than her coming out of this alive. I must find a way to save her, free her and the others. If there is any way for us to pull off the impossible, those loyal to me will live to see another day._

_I am prepared to die again. These last few months feel like I have been living on borrowed time anyway. I shouldn't be here. I died. Was dead. A ghost, just like he said…_

_Kaidan. The man whose picture I have been staring at for the last hour. The one who held me close and told me everything would be alright. The officer I foolishly fell in love with who was under my command. The squadmate I had saved while sacrificing another. Almost as stubborn as I am, and yet he saw right through me at each turn. Molded me, shaped me into who I am. In one night he convinced me that I was the only woman alive, the only person that mattered. _

_Until Horizon._

_To see once loving eyes stare back at me with confusion, disgust, distrust… I swear I died again that day. The only person I wanted to see after being brought back to life was the one person that could make me wish for death again. Even with Garrus beside me, I had no strength left after that confrontation. Kaidan wouldn't let me explain, believed the worst based on the uniform I wore. It was as if our love was erased in an instant, or at least his love for me._

_I have always loved him. that will never change, for however long I have left to live, regardless of what was said in anger. _You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me_. He put me through hell with a few short words, stabbing knives into my heart and twisting the blades until I had run dry of all feeling. Empty without him, lost, cold to the worlds around me. How this one man has been my undoing… destroyed me and whatever soul I had left. Shattered into pieces that can never be recovered, I almost welcome this mission with open arms. Suicide mission you say? Sign me up, as the one thing I have any care of living for no longer wants me in his life. _

_Commander Shepard, destined to die. I have accepted that, welcome it, and yet maybe I'm not as fully prepared as I believe. If only I had more time, if only he would have listened, if only I could have somehow convinced him I am not the monster he saw me as. _Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside. When things settle down a little... maybe...

_It meant everything to me too, but now I will never get the chance to tell him. Things will never settle down, there are only hours left. Hours until my life ends again, and this time, there will be no coming back._

_I'm sorry Kaidan. Know that, if you believe nothing else._

* * *

Shepard wasn't aware she had fallen asleep until Joker's voice called for her through the intercom. "Uh, Commander? Sorry to interrupt… Commander?"

"I'm here Joker," Shepard replied as she rubbed her eyes and opened them slowly to adjust to the bright light of her quarters. The last line of her entry stared back at her, and she quickly turned off the vid screen. "What is it, is it time?"

Joker's delayed response told her that it wasn't, that there was another reason for his call. "We still have a few hours until the IFF is online, it's not that. It's, uh, there's an Alliance vessel approaching, their second-in-command is requesting permission to come aboard."

"Little late for visitors," Shepard joked as she stood and stretched, muscles tight from the awkward position she had fallen asleep in. She moved toward the armor locker, removed her robe, and began dressing in her casual attire. "Who is it Joker?"

Another delayed response from her pilot told her she probably wasn't going to like what he had to say. "It's the SSV Orenburg."

Shepard wasn't familiar with the cruiser or her crew, but then again she had been out of commission for a few years, and crews of ships changed so frequently she doubted anyone knew the commanders and seconds of every ship. "Do we have a name with this request Joker?"

"We do, but you may not like it," Joker said.

Shepard sighed as she sat on her bed and began putting on her boots. "Well we can't exactly tell them I'm not home. Who is it?"

One last delay, and then Joker responded with the name of the last person she expected to be within range. "Staff Commander Alenko."


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard walked slowly as she exited the lift and made her way toward the main airlock. She stopped just shy of the doors separating her from her former lover, and took several deep breaths to try and calm the nerves that had her stomach twisted in knots. She had no idea why he was here, now, just hours before the mission, but there was no logical reason to deny his request to come aboard that she could think of. She'd have to face him, once last time, and that time was now.

She entered the appropriate codes into the keypad, and there he was. Proper as always, Kaidan saluted her. "Permission to come aboard Commander?"

Shepard returned his salute. "Granted," she said as she stepped aside, allowing him entrance to the Normandy.

Kaidan lowered his voice as he entered. "Can we talk?" he asked.

"Sure," she said, and led him toward the lift. Joker's gaze from the bridge remained fixed on the screens in front of him, but Shepard could hear the swivel of his chair when their backs were toward him.

Kaidan kept his pace slow, taking in the new Normandy and noticing the changes that Cerberus had set in place when they rebuilt the ship. "Appears you have a few upgrades," he stated. "A little light on a crew though."

Shepard cringed inwardly. "Recent Collector attack," she told him. "They got most of my crew."

"I hadn't heard," Kaidan said. "I'm sorry."

Shepard shrugged, trying not to show Kaidan just how much the empty command center bothered her. "Mostly Cerberus employees. The old crew and main squad were with me when they hit. If it weren't for Joker, we wouldn't even have a ship. Dr Chakwas was still on board though…"

"Chakwas?" Kaidan sounded surprised. "I wasn't aware she was serving with you."

"She was," Shepard said quietly. "Part of my current mission is to get her back, get them all back."

They remained silent on the way to her quarters. Shepard noticed his apprehension upon entering, and she wondered if he was remembering the last time they were alone like this, like she was. Different ship, sure, but the situation was the same. Last visit before a critical mission, only hours to spare, and here they were again.

Kaidan entered first, taking in the much larger quarters than she had on the original Normandy. He smiled as the hamster chirped at him, and was amazed at the large fish tank that took up most of the west wall. Guilt twisted his heart as he saw the picture of himself on her desk; he wasn't expecting to see any kind of memento of his within her private space.

Shepard allowed him time to take it all in while she retreated to the couch. Kaidan followed a few seconds later, pausing at the table where her old N7 helmet rested. He moved his fingers along the badly damaged piece of armor; holes and burns had destroyed most of its protective layers. "Is this from…" he trailed off, not wanting to finish his question.

"Yeah," she said. "Found it at the old Normandy's crash site on Alchera."

He turned away from the charred remains of her helmet. "That must have been weird, seeing the old ship."

"It was," Shepard admitted. "A lot of ghosts down there. We lost good people that day. After seeing what was left, it's hard to believe we're even sitting here talking about it."

Kaidan looked back at the helmet. "Hard to believe you're here after seeing that," he said, shaking his head.

As much as she enjoyed the delay in the inevitable discussion he wanted to have with her, Shepard didn't have the luxury of time to waste. "What are you doing here Kaidan?" she asked, getting straight to the point. "How did you even know where to find us?"

"You have some friends that are worried about you," Kaidan replied, settling down on the couch beside her. "Garrus sent me a vid explaining a few things," he admitted. "And then Tali added her input, after calling me a bosh'tet, I believe it was. Not that I didn't deserve it." He paused for a moment before continuing. "From what they've said, now _I'm_ worried about you. I mean, I was before, with you working for Cerberus and everything. But they say it's like you have a death wish, that you really aren't planning on returning from the Omega 4 relay."

So that was the real reason he was here. Shepard wondered briefly if she should appreciate her friends for making such a move, or be angry with them for going behind her back in contacting him. "I should've known," she whispered, shaking her head. "Do you know anyone else that has returned from the Omega 4 relay?" she asked him. "It's pretty much a one-way trip, we're all aware of that."

"But it doesn't have to be," he replied. "And the Commander Shepard I know, or once knew, would never go into this mission without at least three backup plans to get her ass out of it. Be straight with me Shepard, what's going on?"

She didn't want to tell him that she was more than willing to let this mission be her last, that his words on Horizon still caused her throat to tighten and her eyes to burn from unshed tears. She had no way to relay to him the turmoil that remained inside her, knowing she should be dead, seemed better off that way, and that this was just her way of fixing the cosmic imbalance that she felt surrounded her. "It's a little late to try and talk me out of it Kaidan," she said. "The Normandy is almost ready; we have only hours, the plan is already set in motion. There is no turning back."

"You're still here," he whispered, his gaze focused on his hands that lay in his lap. "It's not too late to stop this, to save you, all of you."

"If you've really been briefed on what's happening, then you know there is no other choice," she told him. "No one else can do this, no other ship is as equipped as we are. If we don't stop the Collectors, they will continue to abduct colonies until there are no humans left. They've already taken half my crew. I must do this, regardless of the outcome."

Kaidan sighed. "I can't help but think some of this defeatist attitude is because of me." His eyes softened as he turned to look at her. "I was wrong to say the things I said to you on Horizon. I can't erase the pain it must have caused, but I can at least apologize for it. I was wrong Shepard. Not about Cerberus, because I still don't trust them. But I was wrong about you, and I'm sorry."

"You said I betrayed the Alliance," Shepard reminded him. "_That_ I could've lived with. But when you said I betrayed you… Kaidan I tried to find you before Horizon. Within minutes of waking up, I asked Cerberus if they knew where you were. I risked returning to the Citadel, asked Anderson, but he wouldn't tell me anything because I was with Cerberus."

"I know," Kaidan said softly. "Once I got the full report from Intel about what you went through, I felt like a jerk. A real jerk. I should've let you explain, and I didn't. I was just so angry in that moment, shocked and angry and confused, and I can't take that moment back no matter how badly I want to. But this, you throwing yourself into this mission, thinking that you have nothing to fight for, nothing to come back to, if you do think that, then you're just as wrong as I was."

"It's too late Kaidan," Shepard whispered, struggling to maintain her composure.

"No, it's not," Kaidan said as he took her hand. "Before Ilos, I told you that when I thought about losing you, I couldn't stand it. Regardless of what has happened between us, that hasn't changed. I meant what I said in my letter. I can _not_ lose you again."

"Kaidan…"

"Don't _Kaidan_ me!" He stood in frustration, and the anger in his expression reminded her of Horizon. "Two years Shepard, two years I was without you. It's like… it's like I died too, and I can't… I just can't. You can't come back into my life only to leave again."

"There's another part of that letter that I remember," Shepard said as she stood to face him. "You said you've moved on. We don't have tomorrow, or next week, or next year. There is no future for us, for me... you were right to let me go."

"I never said that I moved on from you, or let you go," he corrected her. "I was only able to move on from my guilt in surviving. And you're right, there may be no tomorrow, or next week, year, for any of us. But we have now," he said as he took her other hand. "Here and now. I can't have you running off to die thinking that I don't care. Because I do care. I've always cared."

"Kaidan," Shepard tried to argue, but his lips were on hers a second later. The familiarity of his warmth, his loving touch, the way he urged her to open up to him, she couldn't resist. After months of feeling like Miranda and her team screwed up, that there was something missing within her, something wrong with her, she finally felt whole again. His strong arms embraced her and she melted into him, fitting perfectly as she always had.

"Stay," her voice quivered from lust, from fear, from the tears that burned her eyes and threatened to fall. "Stay with me until it is time. Please Kaidan."

His hands worked their way up along her back and he buried his fingers in her hair. "I'm not going anywhere," he assured her, before he kissed her again. Slowly they moved toward the bed, and he gently laid her down. His body on top of hers, the heat of their flesh burning under their clothes, this was what she had needed. His love, his support, his desire and need of her was what kept her going during the fight with Saren, and it would again give her the drive and determination to return to him.


End file.
